do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
