He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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