I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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