I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
