wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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