Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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