If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
