we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
