:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
