A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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