please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
