Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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