Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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