I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
