I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
