I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
