I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
