dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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