So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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