mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
