PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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