u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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