I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
