i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
