On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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