Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
