she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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