Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
They took my balls.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
