I love black thongs
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
