You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Two words: blizzard sex
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
