so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
