4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
this just has baby written all over it
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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