I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
