She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
