I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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