A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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