i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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