Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
