She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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