her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
