so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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