Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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