Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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