Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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