Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
