First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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