So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
