why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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