There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
