I cockslap morals
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
