Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
